For The Better

When a guy flakes on you a few times you start to get ideas. You start to imagine that he's hiding something from you. Things like a girlfriend, a kid or two, or even a drug addiction. Until last Saturday, I never realized that I was really limiting guys' shady potential by NOT including things like jail time, possible convict...etc.

I don't know how one would prep themselves for having a guy tell you "I'm out on bail" while on a date and surrounded by 20 of your closest friends. And when he throws out what he's not charged with (rape and drugs) and wants you to guess, I suggest you say "Assault with a deadly weapon" and/or "Attempted murder" because you will be right on the money. And when he proceeds to tell you that he turned down the plea bargain for 7 years and a lesser charge, therefore on trial for a possible LIFE SENTENCE, I suggest you fight the urge to vomit all over him and just smile politely as he plays nervously with your bracelet. When he asks you several times where this leaves "us" just repeat that it's "a lot to take in" and that you'll "need some time to think."

Luckily, he will sense a great deal of awkwardness and let you know that he's going to leave. He's going to ask that you walk him to his car and when he offers to drive you around to the front of the bowling alley, you'll get in thinking I'm going to die. He's going to murder me, but you'll get in because you don't want to hurt his feelings. He's going to tell you how happy it makes him just to spend time with you and that he thinks you're pretty and he'll note twice how beautiful your complexion is. You'll think this is odd, but you'll smile anyway. You'll have the chance to tell him that your not wanting to continue things has very little to do with tonight (lies, all lies), but that he really f-ed things up by not calling you when the two of you made plans. He'll say that you should've called him, that he doesn't even remember doing anything that night. When he asks you to give him a kiss, you will, only because you realize that you could be his last kiss before serving a life sentence.

You'll think, after the fact, that you should've asked him if he has a chance of parol, but realize that this is way too ghetto a conversation to have. You'll end up receiving two calls from him the next day, asking if you two can meet up. You won't return his calls and you'll feel an odd sense of guilt. Your closest friends will spend the day rehashing the night with you and making you feel like you are so much better off without convicts messing up your life. And instead of pitying yourself too much, you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends like this and that things always, always, always work out just the way they should.

Knife wounds and apples

What do the two of these things have in common? Me. Am I the only moron that cuts and apple while holding it firmly in my palm? Afraid so. It happened last Thursday about an hour before I was set to hit my fave dive bar. The knife went right through the apple and into my hand - the area between my thumb and index finger (I tried to take a picture with my cell phone, but it looked obscene...like I was spreading the legs of a skinless chicken or even a dairy cow. So please just try and envision it for yourself).

So I called nurse Jen and asked if there are any main arteries or anything serious in that region. She said no and so I scurried to take a one-handed shower (I don't recommend this to anyone) and got ready. My date S called me 20 mins early and wanted to ride over together. I told him about the knife episode and he peeled back my bandaids and blew on it in a very cute fashion. Later that night he did the same and told me he couldn't wait for it to scab over so he could pick at it. Am I the only one that finds this adorable?? A1 already knows this story so this is a repeat. But seriously...how many guys do you meet in your life that want to pick your nasty scabs? Love that.

Work it girl, work it

So I'm working out again and my body hates me. I went back on New Years Eve day. After four months of being away...four lonnnng months. I did my usual routine (inquiries welcome...) and it practically killed me. I just have zero energy in the morning & afternoon. My body hated me for two straight days after. Anyways...the good news is that I'm back. I even went again last night and I'm not feelin any pain. I kept telling myself that my old gym was too far a drive from my new house, but it only takes about 15 mins to get there. So I could've been working out this entire time instead of sitting on my lazy ass...whoopsie!

On an insect note, I put out two roach motels and I've already caught some lovely specimens. The weird thing is that they smell like brown sugar, which is a scent that follows me through life. My old car, Bunny (R.I.P.) would let out a brown sugary goodness when I'd turn her heater on. My parents bought the car from an old lady and I used to picture her sprinkling some brown sugar under the hood so that it'd remind her of her kitchen in the cold wintery months. Old ladies are cute like that. But anyways, I have high hopes for these motels...where the insects check in, but they never check OUT!