Just Say NO

So when your roommate asks you at 10:15 P.M. to follow him to the airport for "twenty minutes" my advice to you is to just say no. Or at least be smart enough to turn off your TV, tuck yourself under your covers with full make-up on (you can wash this off later when he's away) and turn out the lights. At least then he'll feel too guilty to wake you and he'll have to go on his adventure alone.

But, if you're a sweetheart like myself, you'll probably agree to follow him and so my next piece of advice is to have your cellphone on you at all times because he will, no doubt, drive 95 mph and leave you - the granny driver - in the dust. Besides, 80 mph is fast enough especially when you're certain that your dog just shat herself while seated in the passenger seat.

So when you get to the airport and your roommate flips a B and ends up getting back on Sepulveda, you might feel relieved. You might think Ah, they took the shuttle and we can go home to bed. You're wrong. Their luggage is just "delayed" and you're really on your way to the Taco Bell parking lot with shady characters hanging by the dumpster. Lucky for you, you'll be wearing your (p)leather jacket that screams TOUGH CHICK DON'T F WITH THIS when your roommate leaves you in said parking lot to get some grub. This will take about fifteen minutes and then you'll be on your way again...or so you think. Really you're just headed for the Nude Girls and XXX Shop. Of course your first thought will be He doesn't really expect me to wait in the car with his dog while he gets a lap dance, but fear not, he just wants you to freeze your nips off while he has you take his picture with the dog for his next blog entry.

So when you're back on the road again, you're going to lose him in all the hustle n' bustle that is LAX and you'll be VERY sorry that your cell phone took a nose dive under the passenger seat and you haven't taught the dog to successfully retrieve things. You'll end up pulling over at Terminal 4, finding your phone and calling your roommate who is waiting outside Terminal 7. You'll then pick him up and drive home at a quarter past midnight, thinking to yourself that you won't fall asleep till 1 A.M. and you have to wash your hair in the morning. You'll think to yourself Why am I such a nice person? That or If he had an F-ing girlfriend SHE could have done this with him instead. This is when you sign him up for Match.com so that in the end you'll get a good nights rest.