I let my weight get in the way of dating. I remember coming to the conclusion - writing in my diary, after losing 26 lbs., that I use my weight as a crutch. That if I actually did lose the weight and I still was single that I'd actually have to deal with myself, my problems, my major insecurites. I used my weight as this umbrella to hide the rest of my issues.
Dating scares me. I'm frightened by the beginning - some have referred to this as the best stage of a relationship. To me, it means acting, putting up false fronts without intending to because I'm scared of letting someone only to have it end. I overcompensate with my personality because I feel that someone can't initially be attracted to me physically without some alterior motive.
The last guy I dated was a quitter. Of course I didn't realize this until after he'd quit me. He turned into this hateful person that always managed to make me feel worse about myself so that he didn't have to hate himself as much. He was jealous and condescending. He hurt me so deeply - not in quitting me, but along the way. He was constantly referencing my weight - he wanted to know how much I weighed, he wanted me working out, he even told me once to stop eating. I let myself believe that he was holding back in the relationship because of my weight. He didn't believe in me, he thought my passion, creative writing, was a complete joke. I'm sitting here listing all of these horrible things and really I'm only scratching the surface, but I didn't allow myself to see them during the relationship. Instead I put the blame on myself.
I know what people think and maybe it's true - people only treat you the way that you allow them to. And I'm not denying that I allowed it - with all of them. But in making the physical changes, I hope to also make positive changes in regards to my self esteem. It has been a daily struggle.
